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Lyrics:I'm Fricking Awesome

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by MC Paul Barman

It's the last days
Jocks think pussies are ash trays
And artsy-farts have more baggage than Samsonite
Those ancient Hamptonites
They're always like, "I can't tonight"
And men who are too beautiful
Are too dutiful with their cuticles
Plus it's like conversation with a carpeted cubicle

I was eating food when a dude pseudo-suitable said,
"My rap talk's the back drop from laptop to blacktop
You certainly appear to be mightily stacked up
My iconoclastic rap schtick, gets my jimmy waxed like Chapstick.
I think LL Cool J and cannibus are both fantastic
So-called experts can't see how the text works
So they comb through the textures of italicized excerpts"
Believe me, it sucks acting impressed
Plus the whole time he rhymed he stared at my breasts
At best he was neither ugly nor dumb
I guessed I'd rearrange the boredom
And make it into bedroom
I said, "Let's go Max like Headroom"
We brought the ruckus like Red Grooms
On the couch where we made out with my hand on his paunch
He invited me to march in the Million Sperm Launch
The fun talk stopped when we heard the front door unlock
His dad made such a grand entrance,
Dude, you'd think we'd need sunblock
At long last he walked past
Let out a calm blast of bombast
Before he could set down he briefcase
I said, "You're a quief-face
Go back to Boston"

When I want some, I get some
I'll wade through the flotsam and jetsam
Til I've met some smart hotties and caught 'em
My parents named me Autumn
But now I'm fricking awesome

Next I took the Express to 86th and Lex
Flexed my Metrocard back in my wallet and
Walked to the Metropolitan, The Great Hall
Had hundreds of boys straight out of "Eightball"
Wait, Paul Barman was posted at his station
He said, "For students there's a $5 suggested donation"
Our eyes met
It's nice to be hypnotized by a man you don't despise yet
He had a type of flow and I can't quite label it
All I know it made me want to take off my cableknit
Sweater, oh, he better be hetero
I hope they don't catch us in the Lila Acheson
Wallace Wing when Paulus brings the mattress in--rudely
He backlashed my booty like I was Susan Faludi
Over the Grace Rainey Rogers Room rostrum

When I want some, I get some
I'll wade through the flotsam and jetsam
Til I've met some smart hotties and caught 'em
My parents named me Autumn
But now I'm fricking awesome

When I want some, I get some
If I'm lost in the flotsam and jetsam
I'll draw some
L'acoste alligators chasing an oppossum
I'm frigging awesome

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